Didn’t you ever find it creepy while we dated?
You were 14 and I was 17 at the time.
That’s a pretty large age gap.
Thinking back, it’s pretty fucking weird that I was ever in love with you in the first place.
A few years older, and I would have been a pedophile.
So I’m kind of glad you dumped me for no reason ‘cause
I don’t have the heart to tell people
Oh it’s not what you think!
It’s not a three year difference – it’s a…2 ½ year difference. Not the same…
Don’t you ever find it weird that we kept our relationship so low-key?
None of our closest friends knew we were ever together.
We would talk a hell of a lot about each other with them
But we never once mentioned we were dating.
We only met with each other after school
And I would tell my parents that I was going to meet up with “friends”.
The only proof that you were ever part of my life
Is the picture of the panda cookies you once gave me that I have as my IPod background
I haven’t had the heart to get rid of it.
Even though it hurts me every time I look at it.
We also have that one fucking awkward conversation we had on Facebook after our breakup.
Every other one I have since deleted,
Lost as a wandering electron on some server in Cali.
The only reason I knew they went down is because
I found a bunch of screenshots of our early conversations. Don’t ask.
Speaking of pandas…I’m not a fucking panda.
It’s because of you that my high school friends call me that.
We use to be twins, and I use to boast about it.
But we’re over now and I don’t want to be a panda anymore.
I just want to be Dylan.
For the first time since the break up
I could admit that I don’t hate you.
Rather, quite the opposite.
I miss you.
I miss your stupid smile,
The way that one bundle of hair curled the opposite way from the rest of your bangs.
The way you spoke with a mixture of a Chinese & francophone accent,
The way you would pluralize stuffs for no damn reason.
Yes, I miss you.
But I don’t want you back with me.
I’m sorry for being over-protective & jealous.
For getting angry at you for my own insecurities.
I’m sorry for accusing you of things you never did.
For saying that I would kill your future boyfriend.
For saying I would cut his throat if I ever saw you two together.
‘Cause at the time, I couldn’t imagine you with anyone else
I’m doing fine now.
Even though our candle was short lived.
It burned the brightest I have ever seen.
And I’m sure I will see brighter days when the time is right.
But right now, I’m trying to find myself.
‘Cause I barely know who I am
And how could you love someone else if you don’t love yourself.
And I try every day to do just that.
And it’s getting better.
I think…I might like this new girl…and she reminds me of you.
Not the way you two look.
Okay…both of you are short but that’s not the point.
Both of you are awkward around people
You’re both weird in ways I wish I could be.
You are both comfortable in your respective skins
Which makes me comfortable around both of you.
So it leaves me wondering….if I only like her, because I want to get back at you.
I will never forget May-June 2013.
You don’t have to stop talking to me to make that happen.
I know you are doing it to help me.
But it’s never happening and I don’t want it to happen.
I didn’t quit badminton because my schedule was too full.
I quit badminton because I wanted to avoid you.
I wasn’t ready to face you back in September.
I felt like if I saw you again
I would fall for you again.
I could proudly say I no longer feel that way.