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October 26, 2012
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The wind is dancing.
The grass continues to grow.
So please wipe your tears.
I worte this a while ago for a project at school. Now that I've gotten the mark back, I'm posting it. I'll continue to post the others as well, one per day.
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:iconparchmentgirl:
I'm not entirely sure how you can go about writing a critique on a haiku, their length tends to limit the amount of advice that can be given.
This one reminds me of another haiku that a friend told me recently,
"Haikus can be cool,
but sometimes they make no sense,
refrigerator."

The link between the title and the poem itself is tenuous. The idea of dancing winds is beautiful, simplistic and packs a punch. 'The grass continues to grow' does not hold quite enough relevance to autumn for my taste, as during the autumn and winter months, plant-life grows very little to conserve energy.
Though the image of 'please wipe your dears' can be tied into the loss of summer and warmth, then making the second line tilted towards hope and the basic theme of growth continuing is really nice, and I like the aim.

One last point would be about the use of full-stops. The haiku's theme is very gentle and comforting, a full-stop clashes with this dramatically. Think about experimenting with grammar to help reinforce the tone of pieces and instruct a reader on how to read the poem.
Full-stops automatically create a break and a pause. Line breaks also create gaps of silence, this means that throwing a full-stop in at the end of each line creates an ever larger gap of silence and alters the flow of the piece.

I hope you found this useful.

:iconlove-original-lit: Critique Admin CJF
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7 out of 7 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconthewitchofgrich:
This is a very lovely haiku!

You followed the pattern of the haiku with the syllables, you chose beautiful words andthe title really helps in understanding this short poem. As you are limited in the words, it is good that you used the opportunity for additional explanation in the title itself.

''Autumn Winds'' adds the beauty to the first and the last line, ''the wind is dancing'' and ''so please wipe your tears''. It is as if the poetic voice is suggesting that each season has its beauty and is consoling those who don't take pleasure in feeling the autumn breeze.

The line ''The grass continues to grow'' is slightly out of the context as autumn is the period when the life is dying slowly. It would be more fit in a spring themed poem. However, it can stay if taken as something to look forward to.

Lovely indeed.
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:iconmalphasloveshisfries:
gorgeous. :D
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:iconxxdraxx:
xxdraxx Oct 30, 2012  Student Artist
Thanks ^^
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:iconmalphasloveshisfries:
Np!
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:iconxxdraxx:
xxdraxx Nov 1, 2012  Student Artist
^^
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:iconxxdraxx:
xxdraxx Oct 28, 2012  Student Artist
^^
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:iconxxhyliaxx:
XxHyliaxX Oct 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Wow! Beautiful! I can't wait to see you post more!
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:iconxxdraxx:
xxdraxx Oct 28, 2012  Student Artist
I hope I don't dissappoint you~~
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:iconxtcgm:
I like this.
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