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December 17, 2012
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Breathe Slowly,
For a Man dies every second, locked in the grip of the sky.

Walk with every step in mind,
Every twitch of a finger,
Every sound, from your head to the ground,
Keep them in mind.
For a man dies every second, the beginning of an eternal dance with the one in the heavens.

Remember every follicle of hair,
Every eye that stares, every moment of fear,
An evil glare, remember it all.
For a man dies every second, and a child cries for his death.

Live today like you'll wither the next,
For we too, can be locked in the reaper's grip.
I wrote this out the blue today (December 17th, 2012). I think the meaning is pretty concrete, live life to it's fullest. You never know what hapen the next day.

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:iconparchmentgirl:
You have used a very potent theme to center this piece around, and personally I believe there are moments where you convey your point wonderfully, while at other moments the strength of the piece wanes somewhat.

The structure of the poem works well, the indented italics add another dimension to the work and create a softer under-tone to the whole piece. The first line is also well crafted, sounding almost as if you are commanding the reader to take one slow breath and contemplate the moment they are in. Though I am in two minds about this line since the use of slowly inspires the thought of repetition.

Clearly this piece is about living life to the fullest, so surely this would bring about moments where your heart must pound and your pulse race. These moments where your breathing will be anything but slow are surely just as important?

You have the beginnings of something in my opinion, though I found as I read through the piece, the actual commands are rather limited. The third stanza, just after the first line of indented italics, (I'm assuming that each line of indented italics is supposed to be a singular stanza, feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.), this stanza does not look out from the individual body very much at all, apart from the reference to sound which even then is brought within the parameters of the body to a large extent. (Apologies for the length of that last sentence, it got away from me somewhat.)

On another note, 'one' in the second line of indented italics should perhaps start with an upper case 'O'. If you are referring to God as I assumed while reading.

I like the detail of the hair follicle, though I'm interested in why you put so much emphasis on fear and hate but do not mention joy and love in counterbalance. I can understand expecting all life but this seems to swing in the opposite direction of only holding onto the good things in life by putting such stock into the bad.

Overall this poem has a very potent theme and the starts of incredible depth. I say the starts because I feel that you have not taken this as far as you could do, but you have shown a great control over how you present your words so far. I hope you find this critique useful and that you do not take to heart anything that I have written. I must now debate if this should be accepted into the 'Outstanding Literature' folder since there is potential but I cannot quite tell if it has crossed the boundary just yet. Well done though, it is a piece you should take pride in.
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:iconwolfshadow567:
WolfShadow567 Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I love this! I especially love the "a child cries for his death" part. It really does urge me to value life more!
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:iconxxdraxx:
xxdraxx Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2013  Student Artist
good :) 
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:iconjopierce:
JoPierce Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2013
I like this a lot.  I am a big fan of readers getting different meanings out of poetry than originally meant; in this case, I was intrigued by your note that this means "live life to the fullest" - yet I read the part about remembrance as meaning that you can't escape memory, which may at times tie you to the past, and hinder living life to the fullest.  Perhaps that is just my reading and not the intent (but isn't that what makes poetry great? Interpretations?)
Anyway, love it!
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:iconxxdraxx:
xxdraxx Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2013  Student Artist
I'm all about people getting different things out of my work. If you get a different message from something that I write and it helps you through some shit in your life, then that makes me totally happy.
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:iconjopierce:
JoPierce Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2013
Cool...cool! And I Loved it
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:iconxxdraxx:
xxdraxx Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2013  Student Artist
^^
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:iconauthorofthings:
authorofthings Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2013
this is nice:D
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:icontulinuotio:
tulinuotio Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Beautiful. I especially liked the expressions "locked in the grip of the sky" and "the beginning of an eternal dance with the one in heavens", and I enjoy the serious and passionate tone. Well condensed and poignant. :)
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:iconxxdraxx:
xxdraxx Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2012  Student Artist
Thank you!!!
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:iconmzvpain:
MzVPain Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2012  Professional Writer
very emotional and very Why am I here, also existentialism. even down to typing without errors, you should try to make your "best" impression upon any action.
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