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Submitted on
July 3


26 (who?)
Dylan, Welcome!

You probably picked up
This sexy piece of literature
To find out how to pick up
That really hot chick you always see
In the bus Tuesday mornings by
Finding out how to fill all those
Holes in your personality.

Well, too bad!

Remember everything your ex
Has ever said to you.
She gave you a cute nickname?
Now write it on your arm, your dick,
Anywhere you’ll see it daily.
She finds your skinny ass-arms
Attractive? Remember.
She made out with your best friend?
Bet your sweet ass you’ll remember.
Maybe you’ll even write it on his tombstone
Later, after you kick his ass. Who knows?

“They” said the best way to be happy
Is to move on.
“They” are wrong and stupid.

Don’t ever go outside of the house.
Instead, sit on your ass and
Spend 6 hours a nights watching
Community re-runs. You
Are in love with Alison Brie and don’t
Let anyone tell you
You’ll never end up together.

She’s dating James Franco?
     No problem!
Sit in your room and make
Assassination plans for
A guy you’ve never met
Who’s way more successful
Than you’ll ever be.

The more sporadic and irrational
You are…the better.

But if you MUST go out:

Fall in love but never do anything about it.
I repeat:
Fall in love with her but never do anything about it.

If it’s meant to be, God will have
Her run up to your doorsteps
While its pouring rain and make out
With you out of the blue
Like they do in the movies.

Forget about flirting ‘cause that
Involves actually talking to her,
     And we don’t want that now do we?
Remember: everyone around you
Is a mind reader, so if they don’t
Notice you’re feeling depressed
Or that you’re into them,

They think you aren’t worth shit.

If you get rejected, blame
It on the fact you’re a “nice guy”,
And all the jerks fuck around every night,
Completely overlooking the fact that
Maybe – she just wasn’t into you
In the first place.
‘Cause who am I kidding?
You’re the best looking dude
In the fuckin’ world.
If she doesn’t see that then
She’s completely retarded
And wasn’t worth it
In the first place.

Remember: this is your fantasy
So ignore the opportunities you
Did get, when you didn’t do jack shit.

That’s right:
Ignore that really annoying chick
Who keeps talking to you
In psychology class.
‘Cause she isn’t physically attractive.
Don’t settle for anything less
Than the very best.

The key to being hopelessly
In love is make sure your life
As unrealistic and unscripted as
Possible ‘cause the universe
Orbits around you and no one else.

Only ask her out
If it starts raining
Cats & Dogs or if
The universe is on the verge
Of exploding.

Blame yourself.
Blame yourself.
Blame other people
Blame yourself.
Blame yourself.
Blame yourself.

…die alone.
Ever wanted to be hopelessly romantice? Now's your chance!

Scientifically proven to work!

If you'd like to support me, you can get a PDF of this poem as well as a MP3 of a performance of this piece for just 10 points


Add a Comment:
co-ignition Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2014
50% gold / 50% garbage

take that how you will.
xxdraxx Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2014  Student Artist
Ah well.
GoldenNocturna Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2014  Student Writer
Priceless. Just...priceless.
xxdraxx Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2014  Student Artist
Hehe :3
mikeemee16aa Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2014  Hobbyist Artist
awesome! a hopeless romantic like me could relate on this ^^
xxdraxx Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2014  Student Artist
Woot! :D Thanks Haha
mikeemee16aa Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2014  Hobbyist Artist
You're welcome :)
MisterTotality Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2014
Great piece!  I think you managed to touch on all the delusional crap that guys do wrong.
xxdraxx Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2014  Student Artist
Thanks :) 
catbat0001 Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2014
awwwww *hugs*
Add a Comment: